FEATURE
Neil G, PBBFG1 R.U. blogs: It Must Have Been Love But It's Over Now

This blog post is still about Kiss but this time… I know IT’S ALL OVER!

Woke up 3:00 am this morning and have been staring blankly at this computer for an hour already… Finally, I found the courage to write this down.

My heart is still aching and it’s really killing me. I just want to burst into tears right now…
Where do I start? Hmmm…

I got home drunk at 6:00 am yesterday after the usual Saturday night out with friends. I originally planned to go out with Kiss but Kiss didn’t feel like going out that night. Then, a text message from Kiss woke me up at 9:00 am.

Kiss: “Iv bin thinkin bout d invitation ystrday. Wud u stil giv me d offer to go out wid u 2day?” (rephrased)
Me: “Sure. Wat tym r u free?” (excited)
Kiss: “Lunch…”
Me: “Ok. I’d be there before 12:00 nn.” (called up and Chris, Kiss’s board mate, answered the phone)

Kiss just recovered from a severe fever. Kiss was so much like an innocent baby that time and I’d never forget the look.

Anyway, that Sunday was the first time we met again after a week BUT NEVER THOUGHT WOULD BE OUR LAST…

We ate at Jonie’s in Ayala-Center. I was unusually silent the whole time. I don’t know if I was just hungry because the last meal I had was also lunch the day before that or it was just the hangover. Kiss tried to break the silence from time to time… and then KABOOM!

Kiss: “Lester (another guy) and I are really good friends now… as in really really, really good friends.”
Me: “Ok…?” (sounded like I was jealous)
Kiss: “Why are you so silent, Neil?”
Me: “Nothing, just wanna reflect on this song…” (Whitney Houston’s “Run to You” was currently playing)
Kiss: “Uyy… inspired…” (teasing)
Me: (sarcastic)“Inspired? This song? ...(then sang along) Will you stay or will you run away…” (then I told Kiss about the relevance of the song)
Kiss: ………………………. (commented then just smiled)
Me: “What’s with the music today? By the way, you told me weeks ago that you’d wanna say something to me. I also have something to tell you later…”
Kiss: …………………… (was just silent and awkward about the situation. Perharps already had an idea of what’s gonna happen.)
Me: ……………………….. (was silent, too. Then Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love” played on. I stared at Kiss to somehow say this is how I feel that very moment. Kiss sang along. The songs played on our emotions and did the talking for us.)
Kiss: “I wanna watch OMEN (movie)… I was supposed to watch it with Chris but he doesn’t wanna watch it because he doesn’t like scary movies.”
Me: “Really? Afraid? With his size? (laughted) Ok. In 10 mins. I can’t stand up. I’m so full.” (laughed)

So we bought the tickets. Took the 2:55 pm show but went inside the cinema around 1:45 pm. While lining up to get drinks…

Kiss: “So, what is it that you’d wanna tell me again?”(tried to smile but I know Kiss is feeling awkward inside)
Me: “Later… Let’s watch the movie first. I wanna enjoy it. And I think you should say what you want to say first…”
Kiss: “No, you go first. Ikaw ang nauna…”
Me: “Hey, wait the minute. It’s you who wanted to say something weeks ago.”
Kiss: “I think I already know what you’d gonna tell me and I think you also have an idea already of what I am gonna say.”
Me: “Yeah. Let’s talk about this later please…” (smiled)

It was our first movie together BUT NEVER THOUGHT WOULD BE OUR LAST …
The movie was great although we were so silent all throughout. Kiss would have wanted to review the movie but…

Kiss: “Neil, I wanna go home.”
Me: “Why? Do you have any other schedule?”
Kiss: “None. Let’s just go out when it arrives to the part we already saw.”
Me: “Sure ‘bout that? Ok…”

We went outside the cinema around 4:00 pm. The Y-SPEAK (a talk show) crew was busy setting up the stage for a taping that day in the activity center. We watched over a couple of performers singing and dancing on the stage from the 4th level of the mall for a couple of minutes.

Kiss: “Neil, I wanna go home now.”
Me: “Do you wanna have coffee first before you go home?”(I shouldn’t have asked that because I already know Kiss doesn’t like coffee and coffee shops that much.)
Kiss: “Hmmm. I’d think about it…. Ok.”
Me: “Alright. Let’s talk it over. Why don’t we go to Bo’s Coffee?”
Kiss: “Does it have to be Bo’s?”
Me: “Well, where do you wanna stay? Is Coffee Dream ok with you? (It’s a coffee shop just right in front of the cinema where Omen was showing.)

The Very Big Revelation. So we went up again after going down the escalator. Took the stairs. Ordered iced coffee for him and hot coffee for me.

Me: “I should have brought my shades……….”
Kiss: “Ako nga, laki ng eye bags…” (paused when he realized I meant I need it just in case my eyes would turn red)
Me: “Haha. Nakuha mo rin yung reason why I need my shades. Yes. You’d wanna say something?”
“… I really want to hear from you first before I say mine.”
Kiss: “Ok. Neil, I really like your company but…”(trying to find the right words)
Me: “But what? It just doesn’t work? Right?” (I interrupted)
Kiss: “Yes. I already have a boyfriend right now.”

I really thought Kiss broke up with Adrian (Kiss’s x) already and so I was surprised on what Kiss just revealed to me.

Kiss: “… and it’s Chris (Kiss’s board mate). You didn’t have a slight idea, right?”
Me: “Well, I already knew you’d gonna say that even before but didn’t expect it to be Chris. (paused)….. I’m happy for you… for both of you.”
Kiss: “… It’s your turn.”
Me: “Ok. Please give me 10mins. I need to sip coffee first…”
Kiss: ………………..(smiled)

The Fairy Tale Had to End. It took a while for me to say what I felt inside cause my heart ruled over my thoughts. I had mixed emotions. Then…

ME: (hesitant) “From the very start, I already made my intentions clear and….. and…. I want to set things straight once and for all……. THAT WAS ALL I WANTED TO HEAR FROM YOU and thanks for being honest. You know that I always wanted us to be honest to each other, right?”

“I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT I’M GIVING UP ON YOU ALREADY (I looked at Kiss and I know Kiss is uncomfortable already)…. Because it just hurts me every time I see you and I really hate this feeling. Dati, di ko kasi alam where to place myself. You know that I really hate it when you mention another guy’s name in front of me. And yeah, about Lester and kung sinu-sino pa yan… di naman talaga ako nagseselos sa kanila. I don’t have the right to get jealous naman because it’s never been us. I just didn’t like the fact that you are seeing another person because it just hurts me…… so so so so much!”

“I already knew you’d say that even before. This was the reason why I wrote a blog post about you and how I felt……. And do you still remember the YES or NO and the WHY questions I threw to you when we met in Robinsons? I WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THE MAGIC WORDS….”

“Ako pala ang dapat mahiya kay Chris. If only I knew, I should have never….. Shit! We’re going out and his allowing it. Chris is a very understanding person but I know it hurts to know that the one you love is seeing another. I am also an understanding person like Chris but EVERYTHING HAS ITS LIMIT. (Then, I sang) “It must have been love but it’s over now…..”

KISS: (Smiled) “No, you don’t have to say sorry…. Chris and I are happy together. Kahit wala kaming trabaho at pera, we’re still happy….”
ME: “I’m glad to hear that and as I told you I’m happy for you. Chris is a very nice guy and I’m glad sa kanya ka. You’d never find somebody like him again”
KISS: “Remember you told me – whatever makes you happy, makes me happy, too? Do I have to say SORRY? ……Pwede naman tayo maging friends, di ba?”
ME: “You don’t have to say sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry about… Yes, we could be friends but I don’t wanna be a hypocrite to say it’s ok for us to just remain friends.”

“I WAS ALSO SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT I’M MOVING ON NOW… and when I say moving on, it means WITHOUT YOU. I need to do some reflections. Heal myself. Bring back my old self and pick myself up from pieces……. SO, I MADE A DECISION NOT TO SEE YOU IN A WHILE NOR TEXT YOU OR CALL YOU….. I don’t want any communications with you because I could never move on with you around me………..”

“And it’s gonna be a while…… when I say a while…………. It’s gonna be a while. Maybe days, weeks or even months……..”

“Please do me a favor, too. Please don’t text me or call me unless I text you first. By the time I text or call you, that would only mean I’m ok already.”

KISS: (surprised on my decision) “Neil, are you serious? Ikaw. It’s up to you. It’s your decision. Di naman kita pinagbabawalan. Basta you know that I’m always here. Si Lester nga who knows about Chris and I still visit the boarding house. They even text each other. You know what, Neil, you have been so serious on everything. This is a comment….”
ME: (I interrupted) “Yes. I’ve always been serious. I even think I didn’t go through my childhood stage…... And why wouldn’t I be serious? Come on, I’m already 25…”
“But I’m still glad to have met you………”
KISS: (interrupted) “… I’m glad to have met you, too. I just want tell you again that you’re one of the reasons why I came to Cbu………..”
“You deserve somebody better who could love you as much….”
ME: “I hate that line….”
The talk was interrupted at some part when Kiss saw an ex-boyfriend and Kiss excused for a couple minutes ….. When Kiss was back….
ME: “Well, just take care of yourself always. I just hope you’d gonna be ok. Don’t worry, I’m gonna be ok, too. I hope you’d find a job soon, too….. And your birthday is on July 15, right? Just don't expect me to show up by then so I wanna greet you advanced happy birthday as early as now. It’s gonna be your first birthday in Cbu so enjoy it. You’re also going back to Koryea in October, right?”
KISS: “Yeah. And I guess I’d go back to GenSan soon….”
ME: “Ok. I told you earlier not to text me but when you’re leaving, please inform me. I just want to see you before you leave…………….”
KISS: “Neil, I’m going home now… cause somebody’s waiting….”
ME: “I understand………I’m gonna miss you.”

Because it was a very wholesome place, Kiss only offered a hand shake – Jose Style - a very awkward handshake Jose, a friend of mine, offered to Kiss when they met before. We got off around 4:30 pm.

I waited for Kiss to leave my sight…………..

I would have wanted us to kiss each other one last time…. the same way we did the first time we met a month ago……. but no….

I was also expecting Kiss to look back but never did …..….

That night, I texted Jose to see me. I needed somebody to talk to and he was the only person who I know would understand me. We met around 7:30 pm. Told him the same exact thing I just wrote right now. It was a relief. In times like this, friends are always a remedy. Thanks, by the way, Joe for being there.

Jose told me things happen for a reason and that I’d soon gonna get over it.

Well, I think I am gonna be okay………… but right now? NO, I’TS NOT OKAY. Kiss, I know you know this line.

It’s almost 8:00 am already. And I did not even feel the strain on my fingers typing this because of the hurt inside my heart.

Before Kiss and I parted ways, I asked Kiss one last question…….

ME: “One last question before we end this conversation…… Did you ever love me?”
KISS: “Yes…… at some point……………………”
ME: “Ok. Let’s go…”(we left without paying the bill so I went back again to the coffee shop and apologized.)

Lastly, I wanna leave this song for Kiss……………


It Must Have Been Love

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
there's air of silence in the bedroom
and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away.
It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been love but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.
From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out.
Make-believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm.
And it's a hard winters day, I dream away.
It must have been love but it's over now.
It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love but it's over now,
it's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows