Ann blogs: My mom

I could no longer contain this feeling. after yesterday's happening, i just wish i could share it to someone who would be able to understand me. sometimes, i think my mom does not like me. she does not appreciate all my efforts to please her. she has her most preferred children, and i often feel i was the least preferred. four days before my daddy died, my mom and i had a fight over some petty issue. about keeping my two puppies inside the house. i saved them from a vacant lot adjacent to our house during a hard rain. they were crying for days and it seemed they were out with no protection. i had climbed the 4 feet fence to save them. one morning, i woke up with them no longer in the house. when i knew it, mommy gave them out already. she did not want the puppies inside the house because of the poopoo, which i used to clean laboriously. i was hurt when she gave them away without letting me know. i was mad too, and my then rebelling heart because of her favoritism soon gave up. i left home without letting them know, and spent four days in a friend's house. when i came back, i was silent. i did not talk to anyone and instead directed towards my room, and there just spent time crying. i did feel guilty for stowing away from the house for that long. i was good during the four days, and did not do anything bad or out of character. i had my pride, so i still did not come out to talk and ask forgiveness. the little dogs were precious to me. the next morning, i woke up early and was hearing them at the dining table laughing. i heard dad laughing too, and then suddenly, i heard my tita calling him out. he was having a stroke. i rushed down to see what was happening. i even saw daddy holding his chest. it was then that i came rushing to him. when i called him out and tried to rush to his side, he waved out his hands to signal me not to come near him. he no longer survived the stroke because it was his third.

I could not stop blaming myself for what had happened. he was having problems then on one of the school and i felt i added to his burden . i love my dad, and sometimes admitted i was more of a daddy's girl. i found it a real struggle to get in to my mom's liking, after all that had happened. i had to support her because at the time i would be the eldest child in the house while my kuya was pursuing his law studies. so i did try my best to please her without having the issue patched up. it was hard and too often we would have misunderstandings and skirmishes which could last three days or even a week. at worst, even 3 weeks or a month. that was really a hard time for me. when i was 23, i attempted to be independent by living in an apartment for three months. some 10 minutes ride from our house. but then i came back because of her. i did not do anything bad when i was living alone. in fact, it was also painful for me not to be with them. i thinned. that was the time when i gave her a pair of lovebirds, my way of saying i am sorry. now, we have 6, and another pair of latinos was bought by her just last week. we also have this talkative bird named mines (we don't know if the bird is a female or male but then we name it that) who can now babble many words like tao po! in variating pitch and tones, kumain ka na ba?, and sometimes even the cry of our dog bawnie. when i got back home, i knew i had to accept few things. i was not the favored child, and that she was used to me having catered to my own needs and problems co'z since i was 19 i used to be independent from them, emotionally and financially. i was sleeping in a separate room and bed since i was in grade 2, and that made me think before i was different from my brothers and sisters. i could say i was stronger, so i was really the right one to help and support my mom in everything in absence of kuya. i did help even if i was not favored. but sometimes the same heroic and sacrificial act would be the reason of my sadness. i would sometimes feel the break in my heart. like yesterday afternoon, i was talking to my younger brother over a petty issue. this time it was not about dogs. she was at his side.

In spite of all that happen, i love my mom. i love her more each day kahit hindi na nya malaman. but somehow i wished she could appreciate all the things i was doing for her.